Chapter 2 - All For Love!

Is it bad that all i want to do is hold you! threw the night and the day,
 Physically, Emotional, 

and Spiritually!

360 Days of Self Respect - Chapter 1  <2> Chapter 3 - How We Met                   

Hello Love, 

   I want to try a new way of communicating with you. I needed to find a way to interact in a way that is healthy to both our lives. A letter to work on threw out the week allows me to skip the palaver talk and give you the space you desire. I want to interact with you every minute of every day but even if you wanted to still that is just not feasible. I believe this letter format will make it easier for you in your life today and allow us to still communication enough to reconnect. I would love to hear your opinion after reading this.

 I was unaware of how fortune we are to have good friends as ours. Coming home being thrown in with the pleb’s, I feel as if I will never have people around me that share a portion of my values and beliefs. People look at me like I’m fucking nuts. I simply can’t connect on a level that I identify with. Now if we take it to a level in which you and I are on, there will be no one out there that holds close to of how we are in the similar mind set. I simply took everything that I had for granted because I could not see passed the small insignificant obstacles and problems of life that I could not handle. Everyone is just bumbling around amiably with no concern of their actions. Fucking trash mammals.

  My worries are so deep they have become my identity. I allowed anxiety to shape and mold who I was rather than taking charge of it. From therapy, I have realized the constant rushing had killed any chance of a social life back then. By not slowing down I have indirectly pushed people away by only seeing the task at hand rather than the implications toward others. It’s so easy now to get people to like me, it’s scary. These pills allow me to slow down and think “is this action/thought my own?”.  Rushing was imbedded in my head at a young age, killing any thread of confidence I had always not being good enough because I didn’t take my time and do the task right the first time. The number one value in a person that I was brought up with is “work ethic”. I took “work ethic” and “always being rushed” as being one and the same. There is no one rushing me anymore and I must convince myself I have time, to be able to come off these meds. I have blocked myself from living until now. I was controlled by the stressed and today I, for the first time, have tamed it. The fear of simply become this person I don’t want to be is no longer.

 I am still in the prosses of finding the best medication now. I must be able to be balance before I can come back into your life. The idea of taking a breath is what I have enquired from medication. I know in the moment now that I have the time to stop, think, and breath that I have shorted myself my whole life.  I have also realized that being rushed nonstop at a kid is where my problem originated from. This rushing has been instilled in me has replaced basic tools of success like planning and preparation essentially being handicapped.

I was terrified of any situation that caused me to add to the already heaped pile of stress that has accumulated through time that I was always worrying about. I see now, if there’s nothing I can do why the fuck am I worrying about it. It’s not possible to have no stress at all. Inevitably, I set myself up for failure thinking otherwise and brought you down with me with impossible standards. I realize now that its ok to need help from medication and that does not make me any less of a person. We must keep pushing forward and Its ok to come back to things when it’s the right time and place for it. There will always be tomorrow to get ready for and I can’t waste my time with what has already happened or with what might happen. Being prepared is not something I have ever felt until medication. It’s the feeling of heaven itself. I can’t demand answers and solutions on my own time scale for we are on life’s ambiguous time frame. Its selfish to thing I can’t force things to be resolved for my own convenience.

     Do you remember our first obstacle? The beautiful Celica losing one of its shoes. I Loved that moment in time. Not only did it get taken care of but we fixed the tire together. Our way of handling situations together is simply sexy as hell. We have both based this marriage on that exact moment in time. I want to get back to that me for you are still that person eager and willing to be there for us. Somewhere after our flat my infatuation was capsized my anxiety shortly after that taking over both of us. My mind set directly affects the climate around me. Realizing that now, I see this endless eco of repercussions that cause us both to get engulfed into the unhealthy environment that we had to bear.

       I feel as if every time we talk lately we get bogged down by the past. How much I want to make you feel comfortable with where we have been and coming from I want to start this new dialog for us to keep moving forward. We can get threw the memories of the past but it won’t be in one or two conversations. Moving forward but respecting the past is the goal. I went week without looking at you honey for I was ashamed of who I had become. We are different people now, stronger and smarter with more of an understanding of each other. I don’t want to Start completely over because I need you to see now hard life has been. With that understanding you can see how my accomplishment are not much to some but are nothing short of a miracle for me in the state. I certainly don’t give myself enough credit for no one will truly understand where I am coming from. My old habilitating mind has made me the fighter that you know me as today. Fighting for what I believe, need, and know is all I have to feel proud of myself. I made it through the dark that I so often talked about. I hope you look deep down inside and see how strong your husband is for being able to stand here today with his head still up bearing the storm that he has cause for our marriage to have to endure.

After our talk last night, I heard and took in two valuable views that I was unaware of. I see how you could conclude that I was checking up on you. You must have felt I was invading your privacy again and that I simply can't trust you. My reasons don’t matter for you just want results. I should have communicated the last time we talk that I wanted you to call me once you got to your gram’s to take away my worry. This caring about your safety and emotions is not just a checklist anymore. You are the most precious thing in my life. I can’t help but worried about the other cars taking you off the road on the way to Ontario. I so often heard that from the people that cared about me in the past thinking they didn’t trust my abilities. I see the truth in caring so deeply about those you love that you can do nothing more than worried.

The other good point you had was me coming off lonely. I very much see your point about that. For the old me I was lonely all the time sticking to my phone as it was attached, even embarrassingly enough when we were fucking. That was a good and valued assessment from what you knew to be true about me. Rebecca, I am not lonely for the first time in my life. I am trying to keep an open communication with you. For you are my wife and love.

Now for a point that you had spot on, I fear you meeting or finding someone else. That fear that has always being there even know with my confidence being back. Because, the fact being in American culture we expect out spouses to be everything in one for us. What if there is something that you never thought of I simply could not deliver and you could not bring up. For the first time, I can see jealousy as a good thing in a relationship. I always saw it as lack of confidence but today I see it as a tool that brings be closer to you mentally. I trust you completely and I know you will not let anything hurt our marriage but being a little jealousy allows be to keep up the ongoing strive of keeping intimate with you. I should never idle but always show my love and affection when I have the chance and not try to make up for in when you bring up a problem. I promises you it will never condole my actions for I do have self-restraint.  For me not to have you in my life is as taking away air itself. but it's a fact that I cannot have any bearing over weather it happens or not. I trust you completely for we are still married and I know that you still having feelings for me that I can only hope for it to ignite back into love. I have trusted in God that everything will be alright. As always, I am between trying to be in your life and prying into your privacy. You said we are married and I have right to know what going on. I will not be afraid to ask about your life and as then and still now you reserve the right to avoid if you don’t want to share at that time.

    My first obligation is to give adequate time to every one of your concerns and not come off as it being frivolous. Your worries and concerns deserve and should demand the applicable attention that they certainly deserve. I don’t want you to continue thinking I’m still the same person that once ignoring the problems at hand by sweeping them under the rug and pretending there is not any problem. I hope for you to come around to the fact of there being, For the first time in our marriage, no problems. Because while I was always thinking there was, there was, in my head that you could never convince me was not there. For I could feel and recognize something was not right.  We are still talking and that’s all I could ever ask for.

I’m listening and reflecting a little differently these days for I can take in new information growing and changing. At this point I’m trying to run and catch up to your needs trying to figure out what ways to communicate and the amount that is appropriate for you to get what you are requesting of me. I honestly could never cut you out cold turkey for you are a part of me. My concern is that we do still need to talk and communicate in some way so we can still grow and become the people we want to be together. I will make you one promises, I will not idle ever again for I have too much to work on. In fact, I am flat out behind becoming the person I want to be. My shitty job at expressing myself is the whole point of this letter. I am reading and writing a lot more for that is what essentially, I have been lacking most with my anxiety problems. I used to be flat out afraid of getting to lost in thought and ideas in conversation for could not remember what the topic was originally about in the first place. With all that mess going on, I forget the most important part of the conversation, listening to you, my love. This letter is already 100 times better for me to communicate my thought and feeling that you have been barricaded from.

I know it in the bottom of my heart that our marriage is going to be ok if you give us the time that is needed to rebound from this massive mistake that I have made.  I am here and present knocking at your heart waiting to come home to you. I wish to move on from here but if you wish for us to spread more light on the past or a problem that you see I am happy to do so for you. I am here now for the future, our future.

I love you with all my heart and soul,

Reilly Evans Goodman

Albion College 18’

“If you need a haircut, your husband is already too late”

I hope you take this time that you have and doing all you need to do! I want to message you so bad for you are a part of me. I have a date thurday with Mr. McNeal. Im excited to talk to a friend that care about me. He has always been there threw all of my ups and downs. Im have come to a concution That I am a fucking catch as well. And I know you will come back to me. Time is what im giving you for your space is all you have now.
 

So... rebecca! 
My wife that I love

When would you, rebecca, get a picture randomly from your husband what  He mean is... "wouldn't you want this?"

Sorry to bother you in your time off distress. 

While I have you on the "text", as you kids like to call them, I am so glad your dad didn't come to the door while I dropped off the 👅 yummy😋 scrumptious 🤤 Foods!

I am scared 😳 of him being so .... scary? Do you remember our last night staying that summer we first met? After being told he was a marine and was going to throw that sharp heavy thing at me for real'z I have been so stress you not finishing school on time. I could not help you one bit. You have your shit To-Geth-Er! (And had) I had just been living in fear of what you might tell him.  What you may tell someone else that could make it back to him, potentially. He said he knows someone in syracuse? That is watching me?  What is he capblebule of... today I saw him as who he was. (Just 😳 scared )

Everyone has left him
He was so cute Checking me out peering thew the blinds that maybe could  covered his pinky with a bright blue t-shirt. (Smh)

I love you guys 
and
I was coming to say 
"I'm sorry"



Did you know there is a point were my stress started that snowballed into the biggest bomb bound to go off. But, you and i know this was perfect. It was not a lie. We love each other like "Brett and mom Grable" have. 


Picture



Our marriage is a living breathing thing

I had this friend with this cat. The only reason you got the cat because it was potty trained. He got so close to that cat loved more than life itself. You could even say you love the cat just for the sake of loving. Anyways his cat started pissing all of the goddamn place. He gets so mad and angry just got worse and worse on both account. He went to the vet to go put the cat down thinking it's too old. Come to find out The cat has been petrified. A little meds and the cats fine again. The bad times make great times even sweeter. He was even close to that cat after he told her all thing thing you should say to a living piss maker wanted to strangle the can when it pissed on antique family bullshit. But the relationship with the friend, always outshines any tangible thing. 




Sent from my iPhone


Sent from my iPhone

I have giving you everything you asked for. You got me out of our bed, home, state, and now out of communication. I can only hope for you to respect my wishes one day soon before you act on the in reversible. I fully understand the position you are in for you deserve what you ask  for even if it does comes to signing papers. I am giving you full rain as of last night. I kind of want to just come home and tell you to act like the wife you've always wanted to be one more time because I promise you that it would not be a mistake. Last night, it was painfully to hear about your date but I just told you I was happy for you. You need to do you. But I hope you understand when I say, I have decided that I never want to hear what else you desire with this during of time. I pray that you will see that I am the man you always wanted and desired for I have the most love to give out of any man you will ever meet. My emotions and love have been locked up for far to long waiting for you. 24 years of hell it took me to find you and I didn't realize I was still Stuck in auto pilot after. I just know us going threw with a divorce would be a huge mistake. Us filing would  go against everything I stand for as a person. You know that the "situation" has changed. We need to give this our all till the end for you have done so this far what's a little farther. I have let you know multiple ways that I have finally come back to you. 
  You said to me " I have had depression and I at least faked it for the other person" . I thought that was the most heartless thing you have ever said. You can't compare experiences like that and you know that,  I can only hope. I was so numb  I could not even feel my penis to come for you wanted me to so badly. It make me just feel worse. I was sick my love. I was at the point of questioning weather I was strait for the answers. The one person that I would have followed to the hospital was all to busy with her program. I will never hold that agains you, for I am so proud to be your man still today. Everything happened the way it did and we can't change that. I can only pray you get what ever you need to out of your system during this separation. For I will always be right here waiting for you, my heart and sole. 

They only make one sole-mate a life time for you did you know?

You know what's funny?  I deserve for you to stick to you guns and leave me. I say that because I had done this exact same thing to Katie. I thought I knew what was best for us instead of putting away  I should have stayed with the one that loved me unconditionally and settling back down. You feel trapped, feeling like that is not something you deserved to going threw. I know that God has given us this test for our future to become that much sweater. My dark times are over and the smooches are waiting. We had to over come something together to prove our love. This is going to make our marriage so much sweater than anyone else's that's already turned to ruble. point  Thstarted the perfect storm, that didn't happen because we are the perfect couple. we handled it "well".  Any ways do you know where I would

Love you forever and always 
Your man,
Reilly Evans Goodman



Sent from my iPhone


Sent from my iPhone

“Don’t come to the table full”

#EmotionalComeRatterree

You hit something inside of me... I run away from the unlocked  thoughts that come up in life. If I don't have an opinion that has been processed, tested, and approved, I am changing the subject to where I feel comfortable or knowledgeable. I have to start by gathering others opinions before I may even take a feel it's necessary to think critically for myself . I want to see the whole spectrum and individual ways of approaching before I can critical think of what my opinion would be

That makes a lot of sense. 

There’s a great expression - “don’t come to the table full”. The table being interactions with other people - go into those conversations excited that you can both give and take. 

You can't come to the table without restraint for expectations. Preparing your mind for your perform at a dinner table is more what is needed. Overindulging is easy to do without forthought befor hand. If you haven't eaten for weeks that does not give you reason to eat more than a proper portion. You can't make up for what you have been lacking but you can understand from here that you will hold your self accountable to correct the action by being consistent  from here on out.

Starving is not when you should eat more. It's to late for doing what you should have already.  You can't make up for the self neglect but you can change your preformed routine that negatively influence the outcome. your chances of falling into making a pattern of regrets are overwhelm. If you don't cognitively think how to preform to get a different result you can't avoid a repeating action. I believe  that you can only make up for the lacking by preparing your self-control before hand. You must be cognitively aware that the problem could persist and you need to prepaid before your in the situation one more, for you may let yourself down again. being aware of needing to change is hard.  You, by understand what is needed to change takes effort. To change your performance you must come in with pre-understood expectations.

Sent from my iPhone

Phrases
Give you?
Let me Have?
I want to live Close to a relitive not relitives!

We Do good 
Going ahead will bright you in the ass
Sit back and think about this comerical... and you know what... Take your time.

Because when it comes to frustrating times you should take your time to think
presenting take your time
Go do your homework!
God take your time with yout homework
S-----E
Somthing todo!
Direction  somghitn to work on some things that is more likely to get you to wealth
just do!
good
We need to think anout getting somwhere
lover income family

your self will get you som where
speek for how those kids should parent
go take your time with your life
with direction
seams like a good idea to invest in your self